Two days ago I moved to Brooklyn, New York. Not for any reason in particular. For the first time in my life, I made a choice with very few of my traditional intentions layered around it. I’m not here chasing a promise, a career, a lifestyle, a love. I’m just here.
My life has been one goal to the next. There was always quantifiable success and failure. Pass this test. Win this competition. Fail. Graduate from this school. Success. Graduate from another school. Get a job. Work.
But having accomplished that last, I found the rest of my goals muddled. All my past goals hadn’t really been my own. They had been set in place by others and I had followed. But eventually, when people start calling you an “adult,” you decide which things are important to you.
Cue sustained anxiety.
What matters to me? Who matters to me? Where matters to me?
Ugh. The process of answering these questions was draining and honestly felt like a constant loop of dread. There are trade-offs behind every decision, sacrifices, gains and losses. I got caught in decision traps. This OR that? Here OR there?
I froze. A year and a half went by.
Is it weird that that happens? I binged shows. Read books. Wrote tons of utter garbage. Went out with friends. Met new people. Did well at my job. Bip bap boom. Shit, wasn’t I supposed to figure out what life means to me?
I needed a change in scenery. So I made the change.
No one decides what matters to you. If you’re unhappy, find the reason and determine its solution. Make this time for yourself.
Epiphanies don’t show up unless you ask to meet them.